Brain Slack

Today my brain is slacking off- I kept trying to think of something amazing to write but no. Oh well- the good news is its Friday so I can re-charge and start again Monday. I still keep forgetting that Thanksgiving is next week so when I re-remember that I’m done with work on Wednesday I get all excited.

I did some early Christmas shopping yesterday online- wayy too easy! I can’t believe how great it is to just google what I want and find it right away. I love you Amazon.com.  So Dad’s done, Mom’s birthday present is done, and Ryan is done. Hehe- I like that they all read this- now you’ll just have to sit and wonder my friends. Mwahahah!

Speaking of Christmas presents- Beardsley is going to get one of the following gifts unless he gives me his freaking LIST!

And YOU don’t even HAVE a dog!! You hear me Beardsley!!?? I WILL DO IT. (And don’t forget- I want a Slap Chop)

So…just to reiterate…I want a slap chop…and YOU are getting THIS unless you give me a list.

OH! And time to celebrate! The girl who used to have my phone number- (Her name is Holly and I get her phone calls and texts all the time. And from what I could tell- goes on a LOT of booty calls because when I tell them they have the wrong number they ask “How you doin’? ” to me lol) well she had a baby! LOL (more than likely thanks to one of those booty calls) I got a call today from a gentleman telling me my baby announcement was in the paper! And by mine- he meant Holly- he was very nice and said sorry that it wasn’t me…sir…I am NOT sorry. Congrats Holly! I am going to imagine you look like this until further notice!

Dear L.A. Fitness

I never knew what the world of working out was until I met you. Yes, I know, it’s only been a few days- but I feel like we’ve known each other for a lifetime.

Love, Nikki

I remember a time when I would work out at the Greenwood Community Center- it was nice- it was $50 a year. That is a great deal for getting into shape. I worked out with the older gentleman who played pool and walked slowly on the treadmill. And the Emmis gym,  it was so convenient- not close to where I work but IN where I work, it had the punching man that I put many hours into, and no one bothered me.  But there was always something missing….and before then I couldn’t figure out what it was. What was that extra spark of motivation that I needed to get myself into fighting shape?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

OK- so maybe no one in my gym wears suspenders and hats…but you get the point. It’s amazing- going there is like walking into man-heaven where Jesus picked out all the best ones and placed them there to work out and glisten in the florescent light just for you. And I feel like at this point in my life I have gone through too much grossness guy-wise to NOT unabashedly stare at these lovely specimens. Hey- if you don’t like it then why do you work out so much? (that reverse sexism is amazing- guys always telling us don’t dress sexy if we don’t want them staring…ohh how the tables have turned boys) I was telling Kate about this discovery I made and she was like “John and I were at a gym and I thought the same thing- if I were single- this is where I’d go to pick up guys”. Done and DONE, my sister, Done and DONE.  The other great news about all of this is that I honestly work out harder- lol- can’t look like a wuss! So I braved the treadmill with Allie and ran probably more than I have in a loong time (my calves are backing up that point by hurting a lot).

So yes- can’t wait to go back and pull a Fergie and work on my fitness

My absence usually means bad things

I didn’t write a blog yesterday because ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!

(What happens in hell stays in hell?)

OK…maybe it wasn’t that bad but I spent my entire day putting out fires- here’s the rundown.

Woke up this morning and went to turn on my computer. My lovely 1 year old computer that I literally have JUST started using again since we got Internet on Sunday- and what do I get? BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH!

It literally just says “your computer cannot start up”. Just…not starting. I re-start it 50 million times- same thing. And for those of you who don’t know me- I am so freaking illiterate when it comes to computers that when its not working I simply want to break down and cry because that is how helpless I am.

I can’t tell you how many gigs, bites, or where the plug for whatever certain hook up thingy is. I want it to turn on, work, and then turn off. That’s all I ask. So there was a great start to my morning.

Then about 2 weeks ago I went to write some checks for some bills and realized- whoops! I was out of checks! So I make a call to the company that produces the checks for Fifth Third Bank- let’s call them Deluxe because that is their name. I place my order, they say they will have it shipped out and delivered by last Friday. Last Friday came and went but I gave the benefit of the doubt that maybe it would be here on Monday. Monday- still no checks. At this point I’m starting to sweat it out because I need to pay muh bills.

So I call Deluxe yesterday and they lady says to me the following:

Lady: Oh- well we had some trouble verifying information with the bank so we cancelled that order.

Me: You…CANCELLED my order?

Lady: yup.

Me: what was the problem?

Lady: the bank didn’t verify some information that we needed.

Me: so you in no way felt it necessary to inform me that you cancelled my order?

Lady: no. That is not our policy.

Me: so…just to be clear- I place an order…you cancel it but have no need to tell me because that’s not your policy?

Lady: yes. If you have a problem you can take it up with the bank.

*Me dialing the bank*

Me: *the above mentioned conversation* So as you can understand I am a little upset.

Bank: Well you wouldn’t call us if you didn’t have a problem so we understand and we are sorry. The branch they called was actually the one that made a mistake.

Me: So…because some bank branch made a mistake this company cancelled my check order and now I have no checks.

Bank: yes. So sorry. We will rush your order and you can pick up some temporary checks in the meantime.

Me: Thank you so much for fixing it. (*inside the boiling fires of hell are upon me!* but I realize it is not this direct woman’s fault so I cannot take it out on her)

So I get home last night and was complaining to Allie about my blue death screen on my computer and she picks it up, looks at it, walks into her room- typing around for a bit- and in about 5 minutes figures out how to get to this other screen and figure out some details of my problem.  This girl is a whiz! So we haven’t fixed it yet but I think we’re on the right track and having a roommate who knows STUFF about computers is like finding out you have a magic genie in your bottom cupboard that always keeps you stocked up with ramen noodles! It’s a total WIN! So yay for that.

And as a result of the whole check debacle I had to go this morning to the bank and get the fake checks, go to the post office and pay $17.50 to overnight a bill that is due tomorrow because I waited too long for my stupid checks, and I am LESS than amused. So for the record: Deluxe checking company BLOWS.

So now that we’ve got that all taken care of today is a new day and tonight is Trivia with my girls! (And Daniel lol) GET IT!

More products to test!!

I’ve realized its been a while since I’ve filled you in the must-haves in my life:

Neutrogena Rapid Clear face wash: I’ve turned into Olive Oil on my face in the past few months (stress?) and as a result I got home from work every day feeling SICK! I just felt like I didn’t want to see anyone until I washed my face again! Until this little baby came into my world- doesn’t dry you out but DOES keep that slickness away and make you feel so fresh & so clean clean!

 

Mary Kay foundation. This was one of those things I actually bought a long time ago (my mom has a friend who sells and I went to a party one time when I was home) and found it a few months ago when I decided along with the new job I no longer had an excuse for NOT wearing make-up. I really like it because I don’t feel like my face looks caked on and it makes a nice even coverage that doesn’t fall into the face cracks.

Special K Vanilla Almond cereal. LOVE.LOVE.LOVE- Allie and I have been on a Special K kick- of which I didn’t realize until it was pointed out to me by a friend that we talked about it all the freaking time and we eat it even more than we talk about it. Half is because I really like it and the other half is because I never thought I’d be grown up enough to actually EAT Special K so I find it to be really impressive to say it out loud. Deee-LI-SHUS.

I think that’s all! I had a meeting at work where I found out that even my own personal blog is included in the rules of radio and tv people not allowed to plug items that they are getting paid to promote without saying that they are getting paid for it. For the record: I’m not getting paid for ANY of this lol! But if the event ever comes along that I am I will for SURE tell you so that there is no question and I don’t get fined by the FCC!

It’s not a game anymore son

Allie and I went to go get a glass of wine last night and boy did we get more than we bargained for.

About a month ago Trisha had told me to read this book called “The Game”- it was a theory developed by this guy named Mystery

(yeah….THAT Mystery…VH1 jerk off) for guys who have no game and are socially awkward to pick up girls. supposedly it works. Trisha said I should read it because you can then totally get the scoop on when a guy is using the tactics on you and bust them. I even remember telling Dan when I was reading it about the system and he thought it was all bull- he said no real guy would ever use it. Well Dan, in part- you are correct- no REAL guy WOULD use it.

Enter Non-real guy #1: He’s short, very insecure, and happened to walk by right when Allie & I both were texting on our phones. (usually not the types to do that but she was checking on something and I…well- lol I was talking to a guy who WOULDN’T use the game haha)

His line something about “you guys are both on your phones…something something (it was loud & I didn’t care)”

THEN: Pulls out THE line from the Game- the line from the book is something along the lines of “did you see those two girls fighting outside? It was crazy and one of them totally got arrested”.  So (we’ll just call him #1 from this point on) #1 goes “Did you guys see that bum that got arrested earlier? He was light fighting the cops- it was crazy! He got arrested!”

**blank stares from Allie and I for like 1 whole minute…..REALLY…REALLY?? The Game…it’s happening to us RIGHT.NOW***

Then enter non-real guy #2: “OH! Hey friend who I didn’t know was in this bar- SO WEIRD that you are talking to two girls and I am also here and single!” ….THEN #2 goes to shake Allie’s hand and does weird, ridiculous, 7th grade boy, 10 point hand shake. He then tries to shake my hand to which I say “No. I do normal hand shakes”.

They pair off so I’m stuck talking to #1 which is awful!! He first of all kept touching my freaking arm. DON’T TOUCH ME WITH YOUR CLAMMY NON-REAL HANDS! (that’s another point in the book- touch her and if she responds well then she’s into you. I folded my arms and pulled my jacket over them so he wasn’t touching my bare skin- THERE’S a HINT for ya pal!)

#1″I Looooove Vegas- you should totally go sometime”

Me: “yeah…I’ve been there”.

#1: I’m taking Dance Classes- you totally take them sometime

Me: Yeah…took them for a few years

Me: What do you do for a living

#1: I’m unemployed living at my parents house

Me: look of shock and silence

#1: BUT I used to work for Wall street in NY- but it just got too crazy so I left and came home. Now I just trade from home

Me: ……..really…..

#1: I went to Harvard

Me:……mhmmm……

#1: (enacting tip #3 from the game) Why do you wear your rings on those fingers?

Me: those are the fingers they fit

#1: Did you know that ancient greeks believe that which finger you wear a ring on says a lot about you

Me: mine say these are the fingers they fit

#1: The thumb meant you belong to Zeus. Zeus was the leader of the go-

Me: Yeah- I’m going to stop you right there- I know who Zeus is.

#1:  And if you wore it on your ring finger that meant you belonged to Poseidon. Poseidon was the god of sea

Me: yeah- OK- I told you I know about the greek gods- you don’t have to do that

#1: now THIS finger

Me: OK-for real- I was a theatre major and I had to take a whole class on the whole greek system- so I probably know more about it than you. I even played a greek god once. Really- this is not working.

*At this point I’m making devil eyes at poor Allie who is stuck with #2. I whisper to her: we need to get the HELL out of here! NOW!”

Me: We gatta gooooo

#1: can I get your number?

Me: sigh….(*bright idea) sure! (thank GOD I remember my old college apartment phone number) I’ll give you my house phone number- that’s the easiest way to get ahold of me.

WE BOLT.

Run into creep-bags # 3 & #4- no matter how many times I told them that I was sober, the DD, AND had to work the next morning they kept insisting on trying to drive my car home, on us all “poppin out together” and that we should all hang out. We had to fake leave the bar AGAIN! As we are fake leaving I say to the cute guys next to us “thanks for helping us out dudes. Now we have to fake leave AGAIN”. They said that they thought we knew those guys. I say “do you think I KNOW a guy whose doo rag strings are literally dangling in his beer pitcher he’s drinking out of as a cup??”

We end up talking to cute guys and they were fun. Then we went home.

So for the record: the game is crap unless you are an idiot and I don’t like to be bothered by socially unacceptable boys who need a fake fight outside and to touch my arm to the point that I was getting a rash to try and talk to me. I am NOT a game and no- I don’t want to play with you.

 

Wish my luck this weekend! I feel like I’m going to need it ward them off! LOL

Death in the Family

Well- it’s never easy to have to write this kind of stuff. And believe me- I hate to be the one to have to break the news. So I hope you’re sitting down. We’ve experienced a loss.

I get a phone call from Allie and she sounded worried. I answer the phone and she says the following:” Before I tell you what happened I want to tell you I’m SOOO sorry and I will replace whatever I need to replace. I will pay for it all!” My thoughts went as follows:

-Room caught on fire

-Dog chewed up gorgeous shoes

-Dog peed/shat/bled all over my bed

-All of my dishes fell out of the cupboard and fell to the ground

In fact I was wrong. This is what happened. She was taking out the trash and smashed her foot right into the little cement Dutch Boy. He tipped over and bit the dust pretty badly.

None of my thoughts went to the Dutch Children. Though I must say- were starting to become sort of like an heirloom that Sara made me- I think I was more concerned about Allie having a broken toe and that she wasn’t crying over spilt Dutch Children.

When I pulled up in front of the house I couldn’t help but laugh so hard. There they were- the girl all puckered ready for her big moment and he…well- he’d lost his mind. It was on the ground next to him.

So the good news is that Allie is ok and hopefully her foot will be ok too! And I texted Sara this morning and broke the news- I told her I wanted her to hear it from me before the media got ahold of it. (We don’t want another Khloe Kardashian/Bruce Jenner moment!)

So we’ll find a new boy. The girl is going to feel awkward for a bit and our neighbors will probably think we were vandalized by someone who can hear Tyson’s howls in the morning. But it’ll all be ok.

I think its important that we all try and get through this together and if you need to talk….I’m here for you. In fact- I think Kate took some grief counseling classes so she can be there for you as well. Time heals all wounds….except the loss of a head…there isn’t enough time to do that…too hard….

OK…I KNOW I KNOW! SOOO Blasphemus but SOOOO funny! I can’t give it up…nay- WON’T give up Raptor Jesus..you can’t make me.

Happy Veterans Day!

Thanks to all of our troops who sacrifice so much for all of us. Special shout out to my Grandpa Walker- a WWII vet! Thank you Grandpa!

Thank a veteran today.

BEST.WEBSITE.EVARRR!

I can’t even handle this- even if you are offended by offensive language- it doesn’t matter- JUST GO! NOW!

http://twitter.com/Shitmydadsays

Drool worthy

Headed out to the Dentist this morning for fillings # 1 and 2. They numbed the begeesus out of my face- which I was glad for- (I told them about previous dentist nightmare) and then went to work. Fillings were done and I went along my way.  My face felt like the face from Mask- weird and lumpy.

(Ryan and Sara- WHY DIDN’T WE HAVE THIS FOR HALLOWEEN!? WE’RE FOOLS!)

Though it totally looked normal- in my mind it looked crazay! I had asked the dentist before I left if there was anything I needed to know and she said just not to eat anything that involved a lot of chewing so that I wouldn’t accidentally chew my lip off and not realize it because it was numb. (Just like what happened to Mr. Potato head last year in the gruesome image)

So I get home and decide I want cereal…and somewhere in that decision determined that the kind of stuff the Dentist was talking about was like…Laffy Taffys and Mentos.

Clearly not Special K almond vanilla crunch.

So I sit down and attempt to eat the cereal. Figured out quickly that chewing with both sides of my mouth were not an option. (The two cavities this week were on the same side of the mouth) So I figured out that I could tilt my head sideways and dump the cereal into the “feeling” side of my face. Just like that creepy Neti Pot lady..

 

So I was all proud of myself for that one. Then I said to myself “self- how do we know we are not chewing on our lip?” Well…sure enough we were…SIGH.  Needing a new plan because the almond deliciousness was getting soggy. So I then figured out I could take my lip and hold it outward with my hands and then chew and not have to worry about explaining the blood dripping down my face later!

(Pretend that tattoo is really teeth marks and that’s what it looks like)

I finished eating (successfully I might add) and felt my face…sure enough on the numb side there was a whole lot of extra cereal tucked in the corner of my lips…OK- I get it Dentist…chewing a lot is not just a Laffy Taffy type scenario. My bad. I have to get the other two cavities done in 2 weeks. That time maybe I’ll buy some yogurt just to be sure. What do you think of that Jamie Lee Curtis?

Still talking with a bit of a lisp- Ryan was worried about my ability to say 465 with the lisp- in fact- it is VERY difficult- I tried it at home. But other than that- I’m almost all un-numbed. Though I keep checking for drool just to be sure.

Tyson went to get his little Tysons removed today. I would say he’d come back a whole new man buutttt…maybe a whole new eunuch is a better phrase to use?  Either way- hopefully that’ll calm him down a bit. He is getting better in general though. With Abby gone he’s calmed down quite a bit.

OK- well off to do my usual findings of ridiculous things to talk about! Have a great one!

**Today’s phrase of the day** Don’t mess with the bull- you’ll get the horns.

Blame it on the goose- gotcha feelin’ loose!

Heyoo- hopefully wherever you are reading this you got the enjoy the amazing weather this weekend like I did. I didn’t get outside as much as I wanted because I finally finished the last annoying box that needed to be unpacked.

Friday was fun- I went out with Allie to Broad Ripple and it ended up being such a good time- Sara and Jon were driving around and came and met us. I don’t get to see them as much as I did when I lived next door to them so it was a special occasion. We christened it by heading to Rock Lobster and meeting people. We met these 2 guys- one with a possible real British accent but that was even a little sketchy. His friend was even sketchier but when you use an opener like “have you ever f’d a bear” I gatta see where this is going. (and don’t you worry- it didn’t go anywhere good but it was hilarious).  So then Sara helped me enact an amazing pick up line on a cute guy that consisted of “is that a members only jacket?” and it may have gotten me a date this weekend.

LOL- I told her I was putting her on commission for pick up lines- genius stuff.

Saturday I got to hang out with my Little- I took her to Steak and Shake for the first time and then I introduced her to the majesty that is Twilight. (She liked it and I told her I’d take her to see the new one too) (DON’T JUDGE ME!!)

**time for Rob Pattinson break…***

Ahh…much better. OK break over.

Allie and I also took the dogs for a walk in Broad Ripple for a bit- that was good because dogs are also (interestingly enough) a GREAT way to meet guys hehe… Let’s just say we may be taking MORE walks down the Monon.  Saturday night I went to the Roller Derby with Jamie for a bit and then we headed out on the town.

(Congrats to Naptown Roller Girls by the way on a great win!)

Hilarious game she taught me: The Touch Game. I know, I know- sounds sluttier than it is.

Basically you just stand in a high traffic area and get points for touching guys- (ie- arms, back, shoulder, etc) and sometimes you get a few conversations out of it and sometimes they don’t even notice. Plus we were both sippin’ on cokes and Shirley Temples so if anyone complained we could pull a Jamie Fox and blame it on the alcohol.

(Genius!) She won…she has way more balls than I do in that category. Met a few random dudes and for sure some creepy ones! Then we made our way back home.

Sunday- I cleaned a bunch and caught up on my relaxing! Aired out the house since it was so nice out (it smells a little doggy right now).  Then the Airedale rescue ladies came by and picked up Abby- so now we just have Tyson. (***STILL NEEDS A HOME***).  I also took a walk with Ryan which was nice! We got to catch up.

This weekend should be interesting! At the very least heading out with my girls! Also going to be speaking to some kids at the YMCA about what I do for a living…trying to figure out how to make traffic interesting….still thinking….lol!

OH! By the way- congrats to my amazing friend Brittany Gray who is now the proud owner of a HOUSE! If I lived next door I would buy her some pizza- but since I don’t I will just give her this instead.

Save a slice for me BG!